Grogan Claims the Title
Allan Grogan sensationally won his first atholl cup in a match marred by controversy after a cow had walked onto the court and refused to move. Grogan, 108, competing in his third atholl cup was awarded the victory by the umpire after winning the first set as play was abandoned and subsequently delayed.
It was the first time the atholl cup had left the sunny meadows of Blair Atholl and the new venue of a goan beach proved just how far this sport has really come.
There were a host of celebrities, with amir kahan, the agger kan and shakka khan all in attendence, with a surprise appearance from the ghost of Jade Goody.
Both men looked calm and well prepared with Mathieson looking brown and slender much like the mongeese he chased in peru to train for this match, Grogan meanwhile seemed to have continued his usual regime which failed so miserably by getting pissed the night before, he however looked calm and quietly confident having his prematch marlboro.
The event started lively with a local seller of beads harassing Grogan, who was casually drinking his robinsons barley water saying he had a body with the complextion of a chicken. Such racist comment again show how much this once great sport has been scarred by racism.
The game started at a frantic pace with both men showing what little skill they had, in the first game grogan broke mathiesons server. From then on it went to service despite both players having numerous break points most of which came on their left foot which clearly for both men is just for standing on. Which leaves this writer to believe theyd both be shit if this was anything other than a two man competition. Grogan held serve to win the first set 6-4.
During the break there was more uproar as the ghost of jade goody was evicted after accusing the bead lady of smelling like curry. At this point mathieson pulled his tongue out of long suffering girlfriend bertha sharapova's mouth to chivalrously admit he had just farted out his breakfast veg thali.
The match continued and with the heat bearing down on both men Grogan began to look more and more like a chicken tikka. The match again had to be stopped as a pungent smell of vinegar. salt and tomato soup, caused a disruption it seemed to be coming from bertha sharapovas direction but she seemed not to notice the [problem as she was being somewhat overfriendly with the local stray dogs.
As the heat continued to mount Grogan seemed to wilt especially after the kingfisher beer it seemed hair of the dog would not work as he went down 4-1 in the second set. Miraculously he was saved by a heavily pregnant cow taking an interest in the proceedings. The match was then postponed for a later date. However it never was reschedules as grogan using some skullduggery refused to leave his beach hut toilet his trainer was quoted as saying " he's not coming out cos hes scared he'll murudd his pants"
Mathieson also went down to injury as a toxic rash appeared over his body and looked like someone had just vomited cherry tomatoes on his neck. Because of this the umpire had no choice but to award the trophy 1-0 to Grogan.
A delighted Allan said," Wow this is unbelievable, I want to thank God, my Kashid posse and the cow for saving my neck cos i was knackered. Also big thanks to Jade Goody's ghost her arrival meant i wasnt the whitest person there."
A peeved mathieson seemed less happy about the decision. "He's a jammy b****rd he's lucky that was a cow and not a bull cos he looked as red as a ferrari sports car I would have loved to see el torro chase after that fried chicken, then he would have muruded himself."
Fried chicken or not Grogan is the new Atholl cup champion. There is now some confusion over where the next atholl cup will be played with Antarctica, Napoli and Carnoustie beach the favourites to host it.
Written by Ranjid Singh for the Mumbai Mirror.
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